What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 14:57
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What is it like to experience sleep paralysis?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is soul school!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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But it wasn’t much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I was seconnd youngest,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My family never makes their pension either.
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Comes on , in middle age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So whats the point in blame.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I don,t even have a pension.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I said to her
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was in good health!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was very sick at this time too.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I waited trembling.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were not on the streets..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We all went to grammer schools
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Put me off passion for life!!
I have no regrets .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .